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The Xenomorph Survival Guide

Xenomorphs. They’re the scourge of the galaxy. Xenos are notoriously tough hombres, but with a little help from your friend, JD0127, you just might survive your initial run in with the Giger nightmare creations. No guarantees you’ll survive in the inevitable sequel or spin off though.

Long Term Solutions

Step 1) Be smart with your finances and invest in some life-saving tech such as molecular acid-proof armor and giant mech cargo loaders.

Step 2) Make friends with as many Colonial Marines and Predators as possible. One out of every twelve marines will survive a xenomorph attack and one out of twelve predators won’t kill you because they’re too busy trying to kill the xenomorph. Play the odds, my friends.

Preventative Measures

Step 3) If you are offered a job by a shady intergalactic corporation, especially if the job takes you into the far reaches of space, don’t take the job. I don’t care how well it pays, I personally value my own life more than any amount of money. Seegson Corporation and Weyland-Yutani are especially dangerous.
Step 4) If you find yourself on a hostile alien planet and stumble upon an alien derelict ship, DON’T GO IN. If there’s a distress signal coming from the thing, especially if it’s in an unknown language, maybe it’s a warning to stay the hell away. Respect the alien bloke’s wishes and stay as far away from the aircraft as possible.
Step 5) So you, for whatever reason, totally ignored step 4 and walked your happy ass into the derelict alien craft. You goofed, but your butt’s not beyond saving. If you just walk out, especially after finding a creepy giant alien corpse, you can avoid a lot of heartache.
Step 6)You totally ignored step 5 because you’re a regular Evel Knievel and like to tempt fate. Now you find yourself amongst a host of egg-like structures. You spot movement in one and its top flaps unfold like some hideous flower in bloom. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT stick your face directly over the thing.
Nothing good can possibly come from it. A derelict ship is not the place to find pretty, pretty alien butterflies. It’s where overgrown hand puppets latch onto your face and force themselves into your throat so they can lay an egg into your dumbass chest. Derelict ships are essentially the windowless white vans of the universe. Stay away from them.

Step 7) Watch your friends closely, especially if one had an alien smooching his or her face. You’re all chowing down on fruit loops and chicken nuggets, next thing you know, your buddy is giving birth to a brand new xeno… from his chest.

I’m sorry, but if you get face hugged, you’re going to have to take one for the team. You’re either being incinerated or getting thrown out an airlock. Also, beware of homicidal androids. Companies like to sneak them into the crew.


Step 8)
Pray there is only one xenomorph.
Step 9) In pulse rifle, smart gun, or flame unit we trust. If you don’t have access to any of these, you’re going to have a bad time. Stealth is your next best defense.

Step 10)
If you are on a planet, do what you got to do during the day because they only come out at night… mostly.
Step 11) Stay away from the walls, the ceiling, and the floor, especially if they are covered in mysterious black alien resin. That’s right, folks. You better learn how to levitate like Chris Angel cause these things can attack from anywhere.
Step 12) Killing an Alien Queen’s babies in front of her is not a good idea. This will simply piss her off. She will proceed to stalk you until she avenges the death of her kids and I don’t like anyone’s chances in that fight.
Step 13) If you are on a ship, know the location of every airlock. Lure the things into one and blast them into the cold of space.

Secret Weapon

Step 14) This is a very specific demographic, so if you’re a Latino brother like myself, you are screwed. If you are a white woman, with the last name of Ripley, and just so happen to be a space engineer, you are essentially xenomorph kryptonite. Not to say you can’t be killed, but you’ll eventually be cloned and be brought back for the disappointing sequel.

The Final Steps

Step 15)
Be thoughtful of your galactic neighbors and nuke the alien infestation from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
Step 16) You survived. Time to plot a course for home and take a well deserved cryogenic nap. Before you do this, CHECK FOR ALIENS. If you don’t do this, you’ll end up dying in the opening credits of the next film. Not cool. RIP Newt and Hicks.

Check out the new trailer for Ridley Scott’s sequel to Prometheus, Alien: Covenant.

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