My love affair with kaiju(horror/action films featuring giant, rampaging beasts destroying the most beloved of our cities) started at a very young age. I’m not sure what my first kaiju movie was, but I do remember what solidified my love for the genre in my youth. My father had recorded a monster movie marathon on VHS and I used to watch the shit out of that tape. I believe it aired on what is now the Syfy Channel and it was hosted by Mark Hamill. I’ve tried to find footage of it, but it seems to have been lost to the “anals” of time(yes, I meant anals).

There’s a shit ton of kaiju out there folks and they were all featured on this marathon. Everyone knows Godzilla and King Kong, but what about all the other monsters that don’t get any play? There’s a whole world of giants and teeth in cinema. I’ll be your tour guide through this online safari, where I’ll highlight the best and worst the genre has ever had to offer.

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Reptilicus

# of films appeared in
1

Year of first appearance
1961

Country
Denmark

Alignment
Neutral

Faction
Earth Defenders

Oh, boy! Where even to begin with this one? Reptilicus has only appeared in one film and that’s because his movie is so famously bad it was deemed unreleasable before finally being reworked for a release in America. It has become a bit of a cult film and is watchable if you’re into watching terrible films for shits and giggles. Even as a kid, I knew it wasn’t a very good movie, but damn did I still have fun with it.

Origins

A couple of Danish miners accidentally dig up a frozen prehistoric tail and send it to some other dudes wearing labcoats for further study. You’d think a couple of scientist would know how to handle this sort of thing(I mean they’re wearing labcoats, the official uniform of science nerds everywhere), but they don’t. They fuck up, the tail thaws, and a strange creature regenerates from the stump. Behold, Reptilicus is reborn! The big ass lizard/snake takes to the streets because he’s hardcore and needs to show these human chumps what’s up.

Abilities

  • Regeneration- You’ve heard of geckos regenerating their tails, but Reptilicus takes it a step further and regenerates his whole fucking body from his tail. The point? Geckos suck and Reptilicus is the G.O.A.T.
  • Flight- Reptilicus sports himself a pair of stubby wings that look like they are about to fall off his rubbery body. Sure, you never see him use them in the American version because his flight scenes were dubbed as being too horrendous for the final cut, but fly he can and I bet he looks majestic as fuck.

 

  • Impenetrable Scales- Real thugs don’t wear kevlar, they wear dragon scales. Bling bling, motherfucker.
  • Acid Spit- Just because your neon green spit looks like it was drawn by a cartoonist in the 1930’s doesn’t mean it can’t still do damage. Reptilicus murders all the fools with his freakishly terrible special effects, proving to the world that the best rappers don’t always have to spit dat hawt fyre. Animated acid works just as well.

Weakness

How do the humans overcome the caustic flinging reptile in the end? The team of scientist and military persons decide to… roofie him. They cook up a batch of drugs and decide to deliver the reptile’s dose orally with a rocket to the mouth. At least they didn’t decide to go in the other way…

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That’ll do it for kaiju of the week. Have any of you seen Reptilicus before? What are your thoughts on drugging flying sea serpents on the first date? Let me know in the comments below!